


There's No Need for Red-Hot Pokers (But They Sure Would Make Things Easier)

by Yumantimatter



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Chidi is a mess, Drabble Collection, Michael is tired, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, the reboots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-24 21:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13819644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yumantimatter/pseuds/Yumantimatter
Summary: They just keep figuring it out.A drabble for each of Michael's attempts.





	1. Attempt #1: The Good Place (isn't perfect)

**Author's Note:**

> Well then, let's see how far I can get with this project. I'm planning to do at least one drabble per day, whether shorter or longer. Hopefully I will eventually get through all 802!

After the first week, he has a rather strange realization.

_I'm... not happy here._

He knows he should be - he's in the Good Place, in _literal_ paradise, in a world specifically designed to be perfect for him. That is, if perfection is something that can truly exist. The Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi argues that nothing can ever be perfect, and that existence is beautiful because of its imperfect nature. But then again, does that apply to the afterlife? Michael did say that every religion only got about 5% right, and wabi-sabi is centered in Buddhist teachings - he needs to look at the literature.

"Um, Janet?"

"Hello!"

"Oh! You're right behind me. Of course you are, where else would you show up? Right, um, can I have another chalkboard and some multicolored chalk, please? And a list of written works on the topic of Zen Buddhism?"

"Of course!"

* * *

 When Eleanor comes home, he's filled three chalkboards and is working on a fourth, head buried in Tanizaki.

"Hoo boy, I'm exhausted! Drop this wasabi mumbo-jumbo and let's go to bed, you forking nerd!" she says, and he puts the book down and complies.

_I'm not happy here._

He's used to being unhappy. For all the thought he puts into everything else, it never occurs to him to wonder why.


	2. The Gyms Here Must Be Amazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris goes to the gym.

"Chris, you'll stand by me no matter what, right?"

"Hold that thought. Is it okay if I go work out? I love working out, I gotta stay jacked, it's who I am."

"Yeah, you gotta."

 

* * *

 

"Hey babe, so nice to have you back! Now, like I was going to ask you, can I trust you to-"

"Hold that thought, gotta go to the gym."

"Didn't you  _just_ finish working out?"

"Well, yeah, but I forgot to work on my... core! Can't let these abs deteriorate!"

"...of course not. See you soon, babe!"

 

* * *

 

"Hey hon, I love these flowers you got me! Because flowers are natural, and I sure do love nature, what with being an environmental activist and all! Anyway, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Hold that thought! I just realized it's time for me to go to the gym!"

"...half an hour after your last workout."

"Of course! I shouldn't let my muscles have too much of a break, or they'll get lazy."

"That's _really_ not how muscles work, but you do you, I guess."

 

* * *

 

"You know, I really _appreciate_ how you took me out on a nature hike after I said I love nature. Yep, these trees are so... tree-like! More importantly, now that we're all alone, there's something important-"

"Hold that thought just a minute, I need to go to the gym."

"We're in the middle of the woods. It took us an hour to get here."

"If I run back it'll count as my warmup! Later, babe!"

"Wait a - oh fork, he's gone. And how am I supposed to get back? Um, Jay-jay? Julie? Jackie?"

 

* * *

 

"Sweetie, I am _so_ sorry I left you behind in the woods, is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Anything at all?"

"You don't need to _do_ anything, I just need you to listen-"

"Oop, hold that thought, gym time!"

"Didn't you just say you'd do anything to make it up to me? Make it up to me by _not_ going to the gym for once!"

"Going to the gym isn't something I do, it's something I am inside! I can't just stop being me! I know you understand, sweetheart, as my soulmate. Bye!

 

* * *

 

 "Oh hey, you're back!"

"Yep! And as I was jogging home, I found the perfect way to apologize! I know you love clowns, so I got us tickets to a clown museum!"

"That's... absolutely wonderful... yeah... perfect. Now, about the thing I need to tell you-"

"Just a minute, hold that thought, gotta go back! I forgot my towel!"

"Oh no, you don't need to do that, Janet, could you get Chris his-"

"NO! Nobody except me can touch my towel! It's a part of my soul, connected to me through my sweat!"

"Of course! What was I expecting? That makes _perfect_ sense!"

"I'm so glad you get it, hun! See you at the clown museum!"

 

* * *

 

"El, I've gotta tell you, I never really liked clowns, but seeing how much you enjoy them makes me so happy!"

"Oh, is _that_ why you're in a clown suit?"

"Yup! I want to make my new soulmate the happiest woman in the afterlife!"

"Does that mean you'll finally hear me out? It would make me _really_ ha-"

"Hold that thought! That clown on a bench just reminded me that I haven't bench-pressed today! I've  _gotta_ go to the gym. Don't worry, I'll be back before it's time to go to the party tonight!"

"Wait a - shirt! Ugh, and now I'm surrounded by clowns, this is the worst _I mean_ the best place I've ever been to! Hey there, new neighbors! Guess clowns are popular here, huh?"

 

* * *

 

"Alright, so, Michael told me I have to give a speech for the party, and I am  _freaking out_ right now, man!"

"Aww, babe, I'm sure you'll do fine! Michael told me you were a lawyer, this should be nothing!"

"Yes, I was definitely a lawyer who totally knows how to make speeches. Hey, could I-"

"Hold that thought babe, I always go to the gym right before parties, see you soon!"

"-practice with you...ooor not. See ya, I guess."

 

* * *

 

 

"Can I - tell you something, just, soulmate to soulmate?"

"Hold that thought. I'm gonna head to the gym."

"Ha - oh, you're serious, again, right now?"

"Yeah, I'll catch you later!"

 

* * *

 

"But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else. I'm going to the _gym!_ "

"Fine, yeah, you do that, you go to the gym!"

 

* * *

 

"Alright, everyone! So, that was an even more miserable failure than the first time. Now, I will make _sure_ that our next attempt will succeed, but there are a few people I need to speak to before we start over. Chris, could I - where's Chris?"

"He went to the gym."

"What?"

"Apparently staying fit gives him more self-confidence."

"Wha- these meatsuits aren't affected by physical activity, how is he planning to-?"

"I know, dude, but apparently it's just _who he is_ now."

"...right. I'm not even gonna ask."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chris later discovered several new torture methods by watching humans misuse exercise machines.


	3. Third Time's The Charm (is a human expression)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is going exactly according to plan, and anyone who thinks otherwise should just keep their stupid mouth shut.

They're four months into Attempt #3, and Michael is _sure_ that this one's going to stick. Never mind that Eleanor and Chidi are somehow friends, or that Tahani is acting more and more humble - there have been no confessions, no revelations, and no weddings involving Janet, so he's chalking it up as a success. It's time to move on to the next stage of his plan -

"Oh, fork!"

"Whassup, Mikey?"

"Oh! Didn't see you there, Todd, you're a lot less conspicuous when you aren't eight feet tall and glowing."

"I know, doesn't it suck? All of... this," Todd gestures at his fleshsuit in disgust. "But what's got your five-dimensional manifold in a twist?"

"How are we going to handle the "choose who goes to the bad place" sequence? If we ask Shawn to play judge again he's sure to notice something, and the humans have already met all of you - oh, why didn't I think of this sooner!"

"Because you're an idiot, Mikey."

He gives Todd a flat stare. "Well that's certainly helpful of you. If you don't have any actual advice, go home, I'll think of something."

"If you say so."

Todd warps away in a blast of fire before he can remind him to walk back like an actual person. It's been almost a year, but he still can't get used to playing human. And he's the one calling Michael names? Then again, Todd has probably never done this before. Pretending to be human is a fairly modern tactic, and he always was one to stick to the classics...

"... classics. Now there's an idea!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sapient obelisks are a traditional form of Bad Place architecture.


	4. Starring Role

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael just wanted Vicky to shut up for once.

According to Michael, all soulmates share a deep and mystical bond, one that is beyond mortal understanding. Sometimes it's obvious that two people belong together, and 'a match made in heaven' turns out to be quite the accurate expression. Sometimes it's less clear from the outside. And sometimes, it's impossible to see why on earth a pair would ever work - but it does. Whatever the case, soulmates form a unique connection, understanding one another like nobody else ever will.

Eleanor's new soulmate is _weird as shit_.

She gives herself a pep talk in front of the mirror every morning. She loves going on about her tragic childhood in some dump or another, and seems super chipper about all of it. She can't remember exactly what she's allergic to (or that there are no allergies here, for that matter).

She has a limp. In Heaven.

Yeah, Eleanor isn't buying it. But she'll keep her suspicions to herself for now, until she gets a better idea of what's going on.

"Hey, Anastasia, how come you can't walk right? I mean, shouldn't they fix stuff like that here? They fixed my chipped tooth, it's awesome, chewing candy doesn't hurt anymore!"

Jason, unfortunately, doesn't share her caution.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happened next? No clue, I have 798 more moments to write. How about you tell me in the comments?


End file.
